Cultivating An Independent Life

As Told to Carlina Scalf

 
 
Char, pictured here at bottom right, was individualistic and independent from a young age.

Char, pictured here at bottom right, was individualistic and independent from a young age.

 
Char’s parents, Betty and Charlie, pictured here with three of their four children, raised their children to take chances and try new things.

Char’s parents, Betty and Charlie, pictured here with three of their four children, raised their children to take chances and try new things.

When I think of bravery, I think of courage. And when I think of courage, I think of doing things that may be uncomfortable, but necessary. And, I think the more decisions you make that require courage, the better you get at it.

EARLY INDEPENDENCE

I grew up in an urban neighborhood as a bit of a tomboy. I always wanted to play baseball with the boys, but I was a girl, and they never wanted girls to play with them. One day, when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I got brave and convinced the leader of the pack to just give me a chance to show them that I could play baseball. He did, and I played well, and from then on out I got picked for the team all the time.

 I think when you’re raised in an urban neighborhood, bravery comes with the territory. If you want to get out there and play with the neighborhood kids, you have to have some sense of bravery.

 But I think my parents really played a role in that too. They always instilled courage and encouraged us to try new things. They never let us believe that we were anything less than who we were when we tried those things. My mother would always say, “Just do your best. If you’re doing your best, you’re going to be just fine.” And that was kind of the philosophy in our house.

MAKING TOUGH CHOICES

When I was a young married woman, I decided to leave a marriage that wasn’t good for me and my two children. I got married at 19 going on 20, and I had two kids by the time I was 22. I had sought counsel in many areas — from my parents, the priest, a marriage counselor — but I think something as major as that, you come to a conclusion in your own mind at a certain time. You just know it’s right for you.  

I don’t think you can have a happy life, a full life, if you’re not doing what’s right for you.

The courageous part comes when you understand it’s the right thing to do for you regardless of what other people think. That’s the hard part, and that’s when bravery kicks in. So many times we live to please other people, and some people spend a lifetime pleasing other people. I don’t think you can have a full life, a happy life, if you’re not doing what’s right for you.

When I was about 27, I left my marriage with a couple of suitcases. I borrowed $500 from my dad, and I found a little apartment and a good job. I realized that I had enough courage as a single parent to raise my children in a happy, healthy environment. It wasn’t looked upon as the thing to do at the time — the thing to do was to stay. But I felt like I could give the kids a better life.

I eventually bought myself a little house and I thought, man, I’ve arrived! (Laughs). I have my courage, my children, a little house, and a way to have a good life. That took a lot of courage.


RAISING BRAVE CHILDREN  

Creating the right environment while my kids were growing up was so important. When my mom came to visit me, she never understood why, when the kids wanted a drink of water, I would say, “Pull over the step-stool and get a drink of water.” My mom would say, “Why won’t you just get them a drink of water?” And I’d say, “Because I want them to know that they’re capable of getting their own drink of water!” (Laughs).

I felt like I could show my children that being independent in a good way could be good for them — not independent in a stubborn way, but just instilling in them that they need to do what feels right for them.

In our house, we were always kind to each other. We had lots of music, and we saw plays and did artsy things, maybe things other people would think were weird. We took vacations. Having a loving environment while your children are growing up is so important. Even though there were people initially saying you shouldn’t get divorced, you should stay, I knew I couldn’t give the children the life I wanted to give them if something didn’t change, so I made change happen.

 PIONEERING IN THE WORKFORCE

 I ended up with a job at Avon Products. People often think that was a company made up of corporate women who had a lot of opportunity, but the truth was, and this was even true in the 1990s, that men still ranked higher to get those higher-level jobs and always had more opportunity than women.

 So I originally took a job on the dock supervising shipments coming in that nobody else wanted. I started there, and just worked really hard to prove myself, and I moved up through the course of my 15-year career there. I was elated when I was selected to be a division sales manager. It was a position that primarily went to men — there were a few women there, but it seemed like the men always got the first shot at it, and it was the position I absolutely wanted.  I think that career was just constantly working hard and proving myself, being authentic to myself and then trying to balance that with family. 

I wanted my children to see they could have a good life in whatever they wanted.

 When I worked at Avon, I had a goal to move up in my career, but I also had this underlying goal to give my kids a college education. I had gone back to school on and off and never really finished, but I wanted them to finish. I wanted them to have a degree, and to be able to start life without student loans. Any time I got sales bonuses or anything like that, it went into a college fund. When I was able to support them, and they both finished school, I felt a sense of freedom I hadn’t felt before.

 I felt most empowered when I saw my children begin to have great adult lives. They had great starts out of school, my son and daughter — they found the perfect mates for themselves, they started owning homes and having children, and I could see their lives just being so wonderful.

 That was really what I wanted out of all of this — that was what I wanted my legacy to be. My kids had that kind of life I was short of, you know? Not having a long-term marriage and not settling in. I had a good life, and it was my life, but I wanted them to see that they could have a good life in whatever way they wanted.

As a single mom, support from family was crucial for Char as she raised her children. Here she is pictured with, from left, daughter Monica, niece Katie, sister Karen, and mother Betty.

As a single mom, support from family was crucial for Char as she raised her children. Here she is pictured with, from left, daughter Monica, niece Katie, sister Karen, and mother Betty.

 
 
Char, pictured here at top middle in a white dress, poses with her 1992 Avon sales team. During this year, Char was World Sales Leader at Avon.

Char, pictured here at top middle in a white dress, poses with her 1992 Avon sales team. During this year, Char was World Sales Leader at Avon.


10257460_10203507552307604_2691634773720974524_o.jpg
 
Though she spent much of the late 1990s and 2000s moving around the country, Char always found ways to return home and spend time with her family. She is pictured here with two of her granchildren, Carlina and Dominic.

Though she spent much of the late 1990s and 2000s moving around the country, Char always found ways to return home and spend time with her family. She is pictured here with two of her granchildren, Carlina and Dominic.

 
Char, pictured here with children Monica and Andy, at Christmastime. Char said seeing her children make into adulthood and lead happy, fulfilling lives was one of her most empowering moments.

Char, pictured here with children Monica and Andy, at Christmastime. Char said seeing her children make into adulthood and lead happy, fulfilling lives was one of her most empowering moments.

 
All five of Char’s grandchildren are pictured here. If she could give her granddaughters one piece of advice, it would be to stay authentic to themselves through all of life’s changes.

All five of Char’s grandchildren are pictured here. If she could give her granddaughters one piece of advice, it would be to stay authentic to themselves through all of life’s changes.

Today, Char lives in Hamilton, Ohio, where she can be near family and also run her executive coaching business. She continues to lead the life that is authentic to her goals and dreams.

Today, Char lives in Hamilton, Ohio, where she can be near family and also run her executive coaching business. She continues to lead the life that is authentic to her goals and dreams.

EXPLORING NEW TERRITORY

Around the time my kids finished school, I had the opportunity to take a Vice President position in Idaho, which felt like it was at the other end of the world from Ohio. I had never really left the area I grew up in, but I thought, This is my chance, I’m just going to go for it.

 I took that role and went to Idaho, and I began seeing things I had never seen before. I saw Yellowstone Park and Jackson Hole, Wyoming. I remember looking down into the river and actually seeing fish that had different colored scales; I had never seen that before. I just fell in love with the West.

It was lonely at times. I was often homesick; it was challenging, but also fun. From that point on I realized I could move away and then still come home. I would go to these great places for several years and then I’d come back, and live at home a couple of years, and then then I’d go again and come back. For me it worked, because it allowed me to see just about every state in the Union and live in all kinds of fun places, but still be very accessible to my family.

At times, it was a pattern that no one understood but me. I think that’s the courageous part of continuing to be brave, is to do what feels right for you. Everybody else would be saying, “Why are you moving?” and “How can you be away from your grandchildren?” But all of this stuff was somebody else’s stuff and not mine. For me, I knew it was ok for me. It worked for me, and I think that’s the important part.

FACING FEAR WITH GRACE

A time I found myself very scared was when my dad passed away when I was in my early 40s. My dad was a real rock. My mom was too, but my dad was a real rock for me, and both of my parents played an important part in supporting my children. We were a close family, and when he died, it just kind of rocked my world.

From the time I had gotten divorced up to that moment, I had a good relationship with God, but maybe not as active as I would hope to be. I was meditating but I wasn’t praying everyday; I was pretty depressed and kind of low.

It’s so interesting that the small moments are often the ones that change you.

I was division manager at the time, and I worked with a group of women who I had really come to love. I remember one of them coming to me after a meeting and saying, “We want to gift this to you.” It was a little pink Bible with some markings in it. She said, “We know you’re grieving about your dad, and we want to help. All we want to do is encourage you to have conversations with God and tell him how you’re feeling.”

I thought, Well, if this woman is trying to comfort me, the least I could do is start reading her verses and be open to a new kind of relationship with God. It’s so interesting that the small moments are often the ones that change you. That small moment opened up an incredible spiritual journey for me. I’m always grateful for that time in my life because it opened up things for me and allowed me to return to this relationship with God. Even when you’re scared and you feel like you don’t have any courage, in the little things you can find courage.

LEGACY OF AUTHENTICITY  

I have three granddaughters, and the most important piece of advice I’d give them is that I hope they are authentic to themselves. That’s the hardest thing, because especially today, there are so many influences around us — people, social media, all of that. But in our hearts, we know who we are. And, typically, we know what we want, or have some sense or vision of it.

I hope they hold on to that authenticity, even through relationships and as they grow, so that they never look back and say, “I should’ve, I could’ve, I would’ve.”

The other thing I hope they know is that you can change your mind and be ok. I don’t think we have to stay in a world where once we make a decision, that’s the decision. I always felt like I could learn from the decisions I made that weren’t so good and move forward. We’re not perfect, and we’re all going to make bad decisions along the way, but we learn from them.

Finally, also, I hope they know that keeping perspective on things matters. Sometimes if we don’t keep perspective, what is actually a little speed bump can turn into a cliff we think we’re going off. Our heads can get out of control and we start going down that dark rabbit hole. It’s very hard to find the courage and bravery to bring yourself back up, because then self-doubt comes in.  

My parting words are that sometimes people look for inspiration in people who have done great big things, but I think we can be inspired by the everyday things and the everyday people who do hard things to make a better life for themselves. During my career I’ve coached and helped thousands of women, and I have always encouraged them to not lose sight of who they really are.

My role model is the woman that’s true to herself.

When I think of role models, I think of all the women who have the courage to do what they really want to do, who raise families or have careers or do both — but whatever it is, they stay true to themselves. That’s my role model, the woman that’s true to herself.

As women we have our own goals and dreams, and if we can keep those alive, even in the midst of being a mother or a wife or a daughter, all of those things — as long as we are feeding our souls in some authentic way, I think we stay happier and make better decisions. We have the good life we’re always looking for.

If we are feeding our souls in some authentic way, we have the good life we’re always looking for.